Suzi's Blog

March 28th

2009-03-28T15:20:00.000-07:00

We are home and it is good! I am so grateful to have wonderful daughters with wonderful partners who welcome us into their homes and take care of us. This operation and the recoup time would have been very very hard otherwise. I was well taken care of and felt very loved.
It is good to be home. I don't go back to see Dr. Beshlian until May 1st. I am just listening to my body and obeying. Each day I can tell some difference which is great.
Healing feels good!

March 24th

2009-03-24T15:12:00.000-07:00

I saw Dr. Beshlian today and am one very happy person. The last drain tube was removed and he doesn't want to see me for one month. He's very happy and amazed with my progress which, of course, is wonderful.
This experience has once again reminded me to be thankful for the things I so often take for granted - taking a shower without having to find a place to hang tubes, laughing and coughing without being in severe pain and just being comfortable in my clothes to name a few. This year has taught me so much - especially patience (which I will always have to work on). However, I do daily choose to believe Life is Good!!
I am so fortunate and want to squeeze as much happiness as I can out of each day!

March 21

2009-03-21T14:17:00.000-07:00

I got out today with Reagen and the dogs for a fairly long walk - approx. 1 mile. The sun has been out here in Seattle which is fantastic. It felt good to be outside and to be in the sun. I am ready for summer and camping!!!
I am down to one drain and the pain is a little less each day. Today Dolly Parton (my new boob) hurts more than the stomach. Not sure what that is all about.
Once again I say thank goodness for my family and friends. Life is so good with them!!

March 19th

2009-03-19T17:43:00.000-07:00

Today is my daughter Winda's birthday. She is 38. I can't believe it!! Where did the time go. It always goes fast or so it seems. She's a wonderful daughter and I am so grateful to be her mother.
We saw the doctor this morning for the first time since I left the hospital. I had thought I would just see the nurses and was surprised when he was there. He was quite pleased with his work and how I am healing. Two of the drains were removed and it hurt a great deal more than when I had my mastectomy. I return to see him next Tuesday. He checked "Dolly Parton" out and was quite pleased. There is still quite a bit of swelling.
Bob headed for the TriCities for a couple of days and the family is taking quite good care of me.
I finally got a good night's sleep last night which helped me today so much. Even at that, we returned from the appointment and took a good nap. I am back up and bugging everyone now!!
Life if very good!

March 18th

2009-03-18T15:58:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here with my Dolly Parton boob still amazed at what the human body can withstand. Yesterday was a bit of a hard day but today is better. I can feel a small change each day. Showering is a wonderful luxury even if it is an ordeal with the tubes. The list of things I am grateful for just keeps growing and growing. Even though there has been a fair amount of pain in this, I have felt very calm inside.
Tomorrow morning we go in to see the nurses. They will make a decision whether any of the tubes should be removed. Next Tuesday we see the doctor again.
I wish I could draw cartoons well. I could certainly draw some good ones from this!
This really sounds disjointed today; however, I realize that is the way I feel.....totally scatterbrained today!
Remember, Life is good!!

March 16th

2009-03-16T12:49:00.000-07:00

It's a good day. I am sitting here with Bob's computer on my lap on the sofa, looking out the window at my husband work on a project he is doing to help out here at Reagen's. He has to be constantly doing something or I think he might burst into a million pieces. He has been my constant cheerleader thru this. We have been thru so many experiences since we met (dating, marriage, birth, death, sickness etc.) It definitely is comforting to have a longterm relationship, even with all the ups and downs, someone you can reach out to in the dark and feel so much better by just touching them!
Winda, Richie and Oz came over yesterday. Oz was so sweet and gentle. I wanted very much to grab him, hold him and smooch on him. I have that overwhelming desire with all three of my grandchildren because they are just so darn special!!!
I am feeling a touch better each day but still in quite a bit of pain. I am walking around in the house a fair amount and go up and down the stairs as my body allows. I also take naps when the bod says enough is enough. I feel so loved and cared for from all my family and friends. If you are reading this because you care then give yourself a big pat on the back!!

2009-03-15T08:06:00.000-07:00

I am back on. You know you just can't keep me quiet!!
Life is definitely good. This has been a rollercoaster ride for sure. I managed very little sleep the night before the operation which is what I expected. The people at the the hospital were very kind and efficient. For me the operation went quickly. The day after I was definitely worried as I felt way too good. However, reality set in and we had to deal with a few problems; but, as Winda told you, I did very well.
I was released and sent home Friday afternoon the 13th. I was definitely glad to come home. For now we are at Reagen's house. I know I have said it many times and will say it many more. I have such a wonderful family and love each of them so much. They and my friends are what life is all about.
I am taking Tylenol and Ibuprophen. The heavy duty stuff makes me nauseated constantly. I don't handle nausea well. However, I am doing fine. I now have two boobs - one very perky (although scarred) 20ish and the other "very motherly" and definitely 63. "Motherly" sounds so much nicer don't you think? Anyway, this all does amaze me. Undressed I look as though I have been in a sword fight and definitely took a whooping!!
It's good to be heard again!!!!! HA!!
Remember........Life is good!!

Recovery: Day 3 & 4

2009-03-12T20:53:00.000-07:00

Hello all. Here's another update on how my mom is doing.

Yesterday was a pretty good day for her. Mom was able to get up and go for a couple of walks. And although she was a little bit dizzy, she felt pretty good about it.

Today was a bit rougher. They removed the epidural that had been keeping the pain from the stomach incision at bay. And though she hasn't had much of a problem with pain, she has not felt well and has struggled quite a bit with nausea. The afternoon was pretty rough but after a good nap she's is doing quite a bit better.

The doctors still plan to release her from the hospital tomorrow, though it will probably depend on how she's feeling. I'll be sure to let you know how it goes.

Recovery: Day 2

2009-03-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

Hello there. Winda here to bring you another Suzi update.

Day 2 in the hospital has been very good. Mom was moved from the Critical Care Unit to a less-intensive recovery room around 1 p.m. She is doing very good and has a great attitude. She has even been up for two short walks down the hall.

She sends you all her love.

Post surgery update

2009-03-09T20:38:00.000-07:00

Hello there. This is Winda posting an update on my Mom's reconstruction surgery. Firstly and most importantly, it went very well and she is doing good and resting comfortably.

She checked in this morning at 5:30 a.m. Her surgery started around 8:30 and lasted until about 4:30 p.m. The surgery went quite well. The only slight downside was that they ended up having to take a segment of muscle from her stomach so that they would have a large enough vein to give the reconstruction site good circulation. They had hoped not to have to take muscle and instead find a large enough vein in the fatty tissue. But the veins located there were not big enough. What this means is that her recovery may take a little bit longer and she won't be lifting anything heavy for several months.

Still though, things went quite well. My Dad and I were able to chat with her for quite a while and she was quite happy to have the surgery over with. She has had some nausea but seems to be feeling better than she did initially after her mastectomy surgery. She is in the Critical Care Unit, where they will keep an eye on things to make sure the tissue isn't rejected and make sure infection doesn't set in. She will be moved to a new room sometime tomorrow.

I know my Mom really appreciates all the kind thoughts and well wishes you've been sending her way. Thank you so much from all of us.

2009-03-08T23:04:00.000-07:00

March 8th
We drove to Seattle today and came to Reagen's house rather than Winda's as Richie was not feeling well and we didn't want to take a chance. I did finally find my glasses the other day but not until late at night when I folded the bed covers back. I had made the bed right over my glasses and didn't even know it. That gives you an idea of how my week went.
So tomorrow is B (boob) day. We report in the morning at 5:30 AM. So here we go. I am nervous in general but at peace with my decision. Once again my husband, family and friends have been wonderful.
Life definitely is choices evey day. I have made mine and here I go!

P.S. Winda will keep this updated for me.

2009-03-05T09:46:00.000-08:00

Well, I am sooooooooooo spacey at this point. I took my glasses off this morning, put them somewhere and am now wearing my backup glasses because neither Bob nor I can find them. Hopefully they will appear sometime during the day.
I keep thinking that this time next week the operation will be over and I will be on the mend. I have found during this cancer experience that the hardest part is the waiting. I feel as though I have no control over my future when I am waiting. "Doing" gives me a sense of control whether it's real or not.
Today the girls come over for scrapbooking. We always do a lot of talking and they are so supportive! Bless them!!

2009-03-03T10:55:00.000-08:00

Well it is March 3rd and we are down to just days until my surgery. Life is good. I have decided to write again as I have all these conflicting feelings and need to express them. I want the surgery right now but am scared. It would be wonderful if I could have two breasts again without all the upset. However, I am not complaining. I am just sooooooooo grateful not to have had to have chemo or radiation. The pill I am taking has its' side effects but they are nothing compared to chemo.
I believe I have the most wonderful family in the world!!!! Everyone, family and friends, has been so supportive.
Bob and I have been working together, going to the gym and walking, so that I can be in the best physical condition possible for the operation. We keep each other going when we would rather be goofing off.
Life is good!!

September 11th

2008-09-12T17:04:00.000-07:00

Well, FINALLY, I have the results back from the genetic test and my score was low which is what I wanted. This means that I definitely will not do chemo which is sooooooooo wonderful. I am feeling good and now have my new prosthesis which makes me look more normal. I will go in to see the plastic surgeon about reconstruction as soon as I can get an appointment with him and find out what the process is to head toward reconstruction. I was a basket case by the time we received the results. We were suppose to have the results in ten working days but it was a month to the day by the time we received them. Anyway all is well for now and LIFE IS GOOD!

September 3rd

2008-09-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

Well I am still waiting to receive the results of the last test. I didn't think the waiting was bothering me but I think it is. If I haven't heard the results by the end of the week, I will call the doctor again. Surely we will hear. I am still believing the test result will be good. As I said, this experience is definitely a lesson in patience for me. However, right now I am really having to work on the patience!!

August 30th

2008-08-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

Well it is now the 30th and I am still waiting to hear about the last test on the tumor. I finally called and the doctor's office said I should hear the results today or the beginning of next week. I was getting uptight about the results but had a long talk with myself and have put it out of my mind (as much as is possible) and am assuming the results will be like all the rest. As always I am really hoping there will be no chemo!!!
I turned 63 (did I really say 63?!) this week. Where has the time gone. Mentally I am only about 37 or 38. I am working hard to never grow old mentally. I want to enjoy every moment. I have such a loving and supportive husband and family and my friends make life so good. I am a very fortunate person!!

August 20th

2008-08-20T17:11:00.000-07:00

Well life goes on and it has been good to me. I am still waiting for the outcome of one last test to see if I have to do chemo. I have never been a patient person so this is definitely a lesson in patience.
Meanwhile we have had a visit from longtime friends and what a wonderful time. We talked and laughed and mainly just enjoyed each other. To know there are people who care is so wonderful.
I definitely have had my down times lately. I am so grateful for the positive outcome of the tests so far; however, I have to look at myself in the mirror and right now that is difficult. Part of me is gone. I think everything that has taken place is finally totally sinking in. I am happy and I am sad. Each side fights to take over. I frankly am pushing for the happy side!

August 10th

2008-08-10T10:39:00.000-07:00

I now have only one breast. In some ways that is very hard to accept. On the other hand, as I said before, I must look at it as getting rid of the cancer which makes it far easier to accept. I know in the back of my mind I will always worry some that perhaps it will return somewhere else. However, I have always believed we have only one life and that I should make the most of every minute of it. I feel that even more now. My test results are so good and I love it. I just don't want to waste a minute of my life being negative. As a result, when negative thoughts start creeping in, I picture myself actually physically kicking them out. I must remember that, with the help of a good doctor and a positive outcome, the breast can be rebuilt (which frankly I find amazing!). It will never be the same and it will be painful and take lots of patience to achieve, but for me it will be a constant reminder of all the positive things in my life even though I don't deny shit happens. My constant mantra must always be LIFE IS GOOD!

August 9th

2008-08-09T17:30:00.000-07:00

I am a very happy person. I saw Dr. Pender yesterday at 4pm. She is the oncologist for the Virginia Mason Breast Clinic. As of now she does not recommend chemotherapy; however, she is having one more genetic test done on the tumor. It is a test on the aggressiveness of the tumor (the largest of the three). If the test results are low or intermediate, she will not recommend chemo. If otherwise, we will discuss the possibility. I feel very fortunate to have such a good outcome.
As for followup, I will be checked every six months and have blood tests run.
Unfortunately the liquid is gathering in my breast and underarm area again so we will stay over until Monday to hopefully have it drained. I am hoping this won't happen too many times. However, it is a small price to pay! Life is good!

August 8th

2008-08-07T13:34:00.000-07:00

It's drained - yeah!! Bob and I went at 8AM this morning to see Dr Wechter and to have my incision area asperated. Wow what a difference! The doctor was very pleased with how I am progressing but said I might have to have it drained again. We will see.
The weather here in Seattle is wonderful. I love getting out for a walk. Oz is talking so much now and reminds me a lot of Winda at that age.
Tomorrow I talk to the oncologist to see what she recommends. Whatever we need to do we will do. Life is good

August 6th

2008-08-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

We are heading to Seattle today, earlier than we had planned. I have liquid that has gathered just below my incision and it's quite uncomfortable. I have been assured it isn't causing any problem, just pain. The team at Virginia Mason is wonderful. I called and they are working me in tomorrow morning to drain it. It won't take but a short time to aspirate it and then on with healing. Friday I will have my appointment with the oncologist.
I doing very well but am anxious to take care of this problem.

August 4th

2008-08-04T13:48:00.000-07:00

Later this week I go to Seattle to see both the surgeon who performed the mastectomy and the oncologist. I know I will take hormone therapy for five years. I am waiting to see if I need chemotherapy. Either way I worry. I believe worry will always try to rear it's ugly head. If I do have to have chemo, it's "Oh no, let's just get thru this" and then build myself back up for reconstruction. If I don't have to do chemo, then it's "Wow that's great but have I done everything I can to prevent cancer from returning?" These are some of the thoughts I am sure most cancer patients have. I know my test results were very good and I am so very grateful for that but there is always fear of the unknown. Most of the time I'm very upbeat and positive - on top of the situation. However, sometimes, for just a few minutes, the situation climbs on top of me!

August 1

2008-08-02T15:37:00.000-07:00

I love dancing. I love Friday night dancing. For me dancing, talking, laughing and caring about the other dancers is all part of the package. Bob and I went dancing for the first time since the mastectomy last night and I had a wonderful time. Even though right now I feel terribly different (one breast shy), it really doesn't make any difference. I felt very loved and cherished which is wonderful. It is really good to be loved by your family and friends!!

July 31st

2008-07-31T20:49:00.000-07:00

I am home!! Yesterday the last drain tube was removed and we headed home. We arrived early evening. It is so good to be home. We are so fortunate to have a family who takes such good care of us. Reagen and Emily opened their home to all of us and gave us so much love. I am just so grateful!
I look in the mirror and am not happy. I know I will not always look like this, but I wonder if my chest will ever feel the same again. It hurts but, when I touch it, I don't feel the touch. I was told some of the feeling may return. I have such mixed feelings. Inch by inch is the only way I can go. I love my life and will not give up and become a victim. For now I will work on healing and wait to see what the oncologist will say. Life is good!

July 29th

2008-07-29T11:00:00.000-07:00

It's interesting how one's viewpoint changes. I have always enjoyed shopping whether I could buy or not. I love nice clothes and enjoy checking out the latest styles. On a trip to the shopping center I felt as though I was in the "twilight zone". What did I see??.........BREASTS!!!!....windows full of them! There were blouses with scoop necks and v necks, dresses with plunging necklines, swimsuits smaller than I ever remember and all on mannequins with very generous boobs. Here I am with just one. What a difference it makes in how I see things........not necessarily bad.......not necessarily down but definitely different!

I still have one drain tube in and had hoped it would come out today. The doctor wants to wait till tomorrow to make sure the output stays down. Anyway, we will see. I am very anxious as the tube is quite irritating. We will head home to the TriCities after the removal.

Life is good!

July 27

2008-07-27T20:49:00.000-07:00

So I've been thinkin. I've been thinkin about friends and what a lonely journey life (let alone sickness) would be without them. Friends make everything so much more bearable when you get knocked down and must pull yourself up. I am just so grateful for my life, my family and my wonderful friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After all good friends are the family you pick for yourself!!

July 22

2008-07-22T14:40:00.000-07:00

So..... during this whole cancer rollercoaster ride I have done a mimimum of crying. Today I have cried more than the whole ride put together. What is the difference????????? I received a wonderful pathology report!!!!!!!!!! The report came back that all three lymph nodes removed were free of cancer. The largest tumor was 1.2 centimeters in size and the other two much smaller. All came out with clean margins. What a prize!!!!!! I am so happy and soooooooo relieved that all I want to do is cry. These are tears of happiness! My life has changed drastically since June 4th. I want to make some sense of it and hopefully be a better person! Life is good!!!!!!

July 21

2008-07-21T06:55:00.000-07:00

Today is my baby (Reagen's) 30th birthday. I can't believe it. We will all celebrate her birthday with a family meal tonight here at her house. James and Rain will not be here and I hate that because I love them so very much. I know I am repeating myself but I believe with every fiber of my being that I have an absolutely wonderful family. Experiencing this cancer without them would be so much more difficult.
Well, we call the surgeon today as one of the tubes in my side is below the required amount to to be removed. We will see if she wants me to come in. They will remove only one and leave the other to make sure everything that needs to be drained is drained. If I am very lucky perhaps my pathology report will arrive today. I am anxious to get the results.
I read the last post I put up. I was very tired when I wrote it so it is full of mistakes; however, I did get said what I wanted and we all know how talking is important to me! Ha!! (Just can't help myself!!)
I posted the new picture of all of us who buzzed our hair at Floating Woman along with our inspiration Cat. What a wonderful young woman she is! I love her dearly!

July 18

2008-07-18T14:10:00.000-07:00

It is now two days past B-day and everything is going well. I was discharged fron the hospital this morning and came to Emily and Reagen's house to recuperate. I have looked at myself and am okay with what I see for now. I saw some pictures of what to expect ahead of time and accepting them took some time but prepared me for this. I have tubes coming out my side and Bob is helping to monitor them. He is a wonderful parter and stayed with me the entire time I was there. As was said already the lymph nodes looked good but we will get the true picture when the pathology report. I am hoping it will be the same. However, I am strong, I am woman, hear me purr.....Ha!
A very dear friend sent the following:

STRONG WOMEN
Live your life in such a way that
when your feet hit th floor in the
morning, Satan shudders and says
"Oh shit.........she's awake!!!"

So my feet have hit the floor and here I go...............

A Quick Update

2008-07-17T01:02:00.001-07:00

Hey there,

My mom asked me to post a quick update regarding her surgery. Everything went just fine and she is with my dad at Virginia Mason recovering. The day was very long. She had to wait all afternoon in the waiting room after her surgery got bumped back due to an emergency surgery the doctor had to perform. She finally went into surgery around 8 p.m. or so and it took about two hours. But the doctor said the surgery was a success. They removed three lymph nodes, which appeared non-cancerous to the eye. However, they'll get more detailed results after the pathologist examines the lymph nodes and gives mom the full results in three or four days.

I'm sure she or my dad will be calling friends and family tomorrow as they feel up to it. But please know that she is doing very good. And although she wasn't feeling the greatest after she woke up, she was in good spirits.

All the best,

Winda

July 15th

2008-07-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

Okay so tomorrow is "B" Day (boob day)!! How do I feel??.. I am okay with it and just want it done, find out if it has gone to the lymph glands and, if so, let's get on with whatever is necessrary to get rid of it. I am nervous but not down. There are so many positives in my life and I'm just going to concentrate on them!! Everything will sort itself out.
I check into the hospital at 12:30pm. The afternoon will be a busy one.
The next time I write here, I will be a "one boobed wonder!".........

July 14

2008-07-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

We are back from our annual "Floating Woman" camp trip. We camped fromWednesday and returned home this afternoon. I believe, without a doubt, that I have the most wonderful family in the world!! The camping was a great break from the worries of the world and just plain fun. We played and laughed a lot. I actually didn't think about myself or my problems for hours at a time and I loved it!! The weekend was dedicated to our friend Cat who also has breast cancer and is going thru chemo. Many of us shaved our heads to support her. She is such a great person and I have decided I want to be like her when I grow up (if I ever do)!! She has set a good example for me. I hope to live up to it!!
I have done some soul searching though and I have decided I MUST think of this operation as doing all I can to get rid of this cancer rather than losing a breast. I AM working on it and a change of attitude DOES help. It amazes me how such small obvious changes make a world of difference in the way I feel!
Tomorrow we head to Seattle in the afternoon to stay at Winda's house for the night. Then Wednesday is THE day...

July 8th

2008-07-08T21:47:00.000-07:00

Okay so after learning what is or will happen and thinking about it, it's better than I expected. Bob and I went to Virginia Mason this morning and first talked to the reconstructive surgeon regarding my options for reconstruction after the mastectomy. My decision is to use my own tissue from my stomach (a tummy tuck as a boobie prize Ha! Ha! get it? boobie prize - Okay so maybe I'm not as funny as I think!) As the doctor pointed out, I will never be exactly the same but this comes close. I saw pictures and feel pretty positive about it. However, I must be in good physical shape. When it will be done depends on whether I have to have chemo and/or radiation after the mastectomy. We won't know that until the lymph nodes are checked during the operation. If I have to have chemo or radiation, I must be recovered from them. So I shall just have to see. I have been thinking about it and am very grateful for this option.
My next appointment was with Dr. Wechter the surgeon who will perform the mastectomy. It will be done on July 16th. Afterwards I will go home to Emily and Reagen's house. She gave me all the details so I know what to expect. What professional and caring people they are to deal with!! Afterwards, I saw the pre-op people so all the details were taken care of.

Starting tomorrow it is play time. Reagen, Annette and I made a Costco trip to buy all the food for our family for Floating Woman. We are going to play and have fun with family and friends until next Monday when we return to get ready for the serious stuff. I am glad for a chance to play, laugh and enjoy the happy things in life.

June 7th

2008-07-07T22:05:00.000-07:00

A busy day today. We are now in Seattle waiting to see the surgeons tomorrow. I have so many questions to be answered. It struck me today that I want to know but part of me doesn't really want to know.
So many many women have gone through this before me and many in far worse circumstances. How can this be???? I feel as though I have become schizophrenic. One minute I am definitely on top of this and know all will be fine and the next minute I feel as though I can't face it, I don't want this, why me?, it's too much, I may start screaming and then I breathe deeply (generally push away the tears) and go on. WOW what a rollercoaster!! So tomorrow I ask many questions and then................go on.

July 6th

2008-07-06T22:40:00.000-07:00

Well we are having a wonderful time with our family. The girls are great!! The excitement about our camping days is mounting. We head for Seattle tomorrow. Bob and I will stay with Winda, Richie and Oz. Tuesday morning we have our appointments with the two sets of surgeons and have lots of questions to ask.
Life is good and I love my family and friends so much!!

July 5th

2008-07-05T20:13:00.001-07:00

Our granddaughters are here and I keep looking at them thinking that I don't want them to have to go thru this when they are grown. My hope is that there will be a cure by the time they are adults. I love them so much and I already love the other grandchildren to come and I don't want this for any of them. Perhaps that sounds crazy but that's how I feel.

July 3

2008-07-03T18:52:00.000-07:00

I am grateful for the day I had today. Today was a "scrapbooking" day. My wonderful friends were here and we talked the day away. What good therapy!! I didn't get any scrapbooking done. I am having a very hard time focusing on one thing for long. We talked about what could be, what might be, and getting beyond this "bad boob" thing (humor always helps!). We laughed a lot which always helps. We women definitely need to talk things over, quite often over and over! We may not have solved the world problems but we felt better at the end of the day knowing we are in this life together. (I certainly did anyway!)

I have been reading the reconstruction literature sent by the head of the reconstructive department at Virginia Mason. I hope to use my own tissue. I have lots of questions and look forward to meeting with him next Tuesday, July 8th. I keep telling myself that a new boob and a tummy tuck wouldn't be so bad. I see my surgeon then afterwards and discuss the mastectomy which is to take place on July 16. (Could this still be just a very bad dream?)

Yeah, Annette, James, Phoenix and Rain come tomorrow!! IT'S THE FOURTH OF JULY!

July 2

2008-07-02T11:50:00.000-07:00

Life is GOOD!! I had a lovely "girly" day yesterday. Two of my friends took me to a long leisurely lunch (we solved the problems of the world - as we saw them!) and then went to see Ironman. Wow he's hot!!!!!!!! Anyway it was a good day.
I have made a very definite decision. I saw a woman yesterday who was, I believe, on chemotherapy. She had an unusual scarf covering her head and she just looked miserable - maybe not physically but definitely mentally and emotionally. I know there are rough times ahead but I WILL NOT BE A VICTIM. This disease is only getting part of my body, not who I am. I want to be the type of person who looks it right in the face (figuratively), gives it the finger and then goes on livin and lovin life!!!!!!!!!!!! Boy I like the way that sounds.

June 30th

2008-06-30T21:33:00.000-07:00

Today has been a hot busy day. The busier the better as far as I am concerned. I received my packet from the reconstructive surgeon today which makes reconstruction even more real. That makes going thru removal (I shudder when I say removal) much more acceptable.
It's very interesting how my mind (and I am assuming I am like most women in this situation) works. Up until last night I had pretty much said to myself, "Let's get rid of this cancer, do what has to be done and then I will be rid of it and go on with my normal life." However reality broke thru and I had to accept that, to a certain degree, I will be "dealing" with this in one way or another for the rest of my life. When I finally acknowledged that, it was a shock and, as usual, I just wanted it to go away (I am sensing a theme here!)!! In reality I know it won't go away so I am trying to acknowledge it several times a day so I can come to some sort of peace with it - sounds good but I am finding it's not easy. I have this running dialogue with myself....LITTLE SUZI says, "No not me. I want it to go away!!!!!" GROWNUP SUZI says, "No it's not going away so get over it, accept it and get on with it" Boy I am really glad people can't hear what I am thinking. I do have a little cry every day and Bob either tears up with me or hugs me tight and pats me on the back............Bless him!!!!!!!!!!!

June 29th

2008-06-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

Well Saturday was a good day and evening. We attended a West Coast Workshop sponsored by Beth Trost. She brought Jim Minty in and everyone learned very good technique in West Coast. Bob and I attended the dinner dance and had a wonderful time. We danced and danced until our feet finally had had enough. However, the spirit wanted to "keep on dancin". I am always happy when I am dancing. What great therapy. All of our dance friends have been so wonderful to us.
I cannot believe how many women have shared their personal story of breast cancer with me already and I had no idea. It bolsters me up and makes me know I can handle what is to come - hopefully with as much spunk and grace as they have. I hate this disease. It is so harsh and steals parts of our bodies and then we must put ourselves back together again just like Humpty Dumpty. That just sucks!!!!!!!!!!!
Today was a good day. I actually slept last night- I am sure due to all the physical activity. We went to the gym and worked out this morning. This evening we went for a 2 mile walk with Padme. The wind had started to blow so it seemed wild and lovely.
Bob is helping me with the boat Annette and I will race in the boat race at Floating Woman. What would I do without him. He has been right beside me all the way and I know will be. That knowledge is priceless and so very comforting. It amazes me to know we have been together 48 years (five years dating and 43 years married). How did the time pass so quickly?? It seems as though we have always been together - well all but 14 years we have.

June 28th

2008-06-28T16:33:00.000-07:00

I should have put in more of the facts in the earlier posting but I just plain ole got carried away. I am going to have my mastectomy at Virginia Mason in Seattle on June 16th. I am at the point I will just be glad to have it over and move on with whatever lays ahead.
I have lucked out and will get to go to our annual "Floating Woman" camping weekend. It is such a happy time and I was dreading missing it. For those of you who don't know about it, it started with our 40th wedding anniversary and everyone had such a good time Reagen kept it going only in the middle of the summer. If you are interested in the site it is www.floatingwoman.com .
Tonight we dance. I love it!!

June 25th

2008-06-28T08:36:00.000-07:00

Okay let's just get this said right up front, having cancer SUCKS!!! (Now I feel better!) I feel totally obsessed by all of this. It"s something I was convinced I would never have to worry about. How wrong can you be!
I am writing this not only to let those interested know what is happening with me but as therapy also. Our son-in-law Richie (the computer genius) suggested this blog to me and I am so grateful. I have such a wonderful family!
This has already been quite a journey and I am just beginning. June 3rd when I was told I have breast cancer in my right breast I was blown away. In the time since then I have been treated wonderfully by everyone. I have had mammograms, biopsies, an MRI, ultrasounds, xrays and blood tests. The only thing the medical professionals haven't done is turn me up-side-down and shake me to see if the breast would fall off. Anyway, the upshot of it all is it has to go. Now I am not happy about it but I know they are right. (I have a good boob gone bad!) Most of the time I feel I can handle it. Then there are those times I want to do what I did when I was a little girl and the doctor was making a housecall because I was so sick. I ran and hid under my bed way back in the corner so no one could touch me (or so I thought) and scream, cry and yell to make it all go away. It sounds good even if it isn't terribly rational!
WOW you know I have never been able to keep a journal because I felt so exposed but this is great. Thank you Richie for taking such good care of me!! More later....