June 30th

Today has been a hot busy day. The busier the better as far as I am concerned. I received my packet from the reconstructive surgeon today which makes reconstruction even more real. That makes going thru removal (I shudder when I say removal) much more acceptable.
It's very interesting how my mind (and I am assuming I am like most women in this situation) works. Up until last night I had pretty much said to myself, "Let's get rid of this cancer, do what has to be done and then I will be rid of it and go on with my normal life." However reality broke thru and I had to accept that, to a certain degree, I will be "dealing" with this in one way or another for the rest of my life. When I finally acknowledged that, it was a shock and, as usual, I just wanted it to go away (I am sensing a theme here!)!! In reality I know it won't go away so I am trying to acknowledge it several times a day so I can come to some sort of peace with it - sounds good but I am finding it's not easy. I have this running dialogue with myself....LITTLE SUZI says, "No not me. I want it to go away!!!!!" GROWNUP SUZI says, "No it's not going away so get over it, accept it and get on with it" Boy I am really glad people can't hear what I am thinking. I do have a little cry every day and Bob either tears up with me or hugs me tight and pats me on the back............Bless him!!!!!!!!!!!