September 11th

Well, FINALLY, I have the results back from the genetic test and my score was low which is what I wanted. This means that I definitely will not do chemo which is sooooooooo wonderful. I am feeling good and now have my new prosthesis which makes me look more normal. I will go in to see the plastic surgeon about reconstruction as soon as I can get an appointment with him and find out what the process is to head toward reconstruction. I was a basket case by the time we received the results. We were suppose to have the results in ten working days but it was a month to the day by the time we received them. Anyway all is well for now and LIFE IS GOOD!

September 3rd

Well I am still waiting to receive the results of the last test. I didn't think the waiting was bothering me but I think it is. If I haven't heard the results by the end of the week, I will call the doctor again. Surely we will hear. I am still believing the test result will be good. As I said, this experience is definitely a lesson in patience for me. However, right now I am really having to work on the patience!!

August 30th

Well it is now the 30th and I am still waiting to hear about the last test on the tumor. I finally called and the doctor's office said I should hear the results today or the beginning of next week. I was getting uptight about the results but had a long talk with myself and have put it out of my mind (as much as is possible) and am assuming the results will be like all the rest. As always I am really hoping there will be no chemo!!!
I turned 63 (did I really say 63?!) this week. Where has the time gone. Mentally I am only about 37 or 38. I am working hard to never grow old mentally. I want to enjoy every moment. I have such a loving and supportive husband and family and my friends make life so good. I am a very fortunate person!!

August 20th

Well life goes on and it has been good to me. I am still waiting for the outcome of one last test to see if I have to do chemo. I have never been a patient person so this is definitely a lesson in patience.
Meanwhile we have had a visit from longtime friends and what a wonderful time. We talked and laughed and mainly just enjoyed each other. To know there are people who care is so wonderful.
I definitely have had my down times lately. I am so grateful for the positive outcome of the tests so far; however, I have to look at myself in the mirror and right now that is difficult. Part of me is gone. I think everything that has taken place is finally totally sinking in. I am happy and I am sad. Each side fights to take over. I frankly am pushing for the happy side!

August 10th

I now have only one breast. In some ways that is very hard to accept. On the other hand, as I said before, I must look at it as getting rid of the cancer which makes it far easier to accept. I know in the back of my mind I will always worry some that perhaps it will return somewhere else. However, I have always believed we have only one life and that I should make the most of every minute of it. I feel that even more now. My test results are so good and I love it. I just don't want to waste a minute of my life being negative. As a result, when negative thoughts start creeping in, I picture myself actually physically kicking them out. I must remember that, with the help of a good doctor and a positive outcome, the breast can be rebuilt (which frankly I find amazing!). It will never be the same and it will be painful and take lots of patience to achieve, but for me it will be a constant reminder of all the positive things in my life even though I don't deny shit happens. My constant mantra must always be LIFE IS GOOD!

August 9th

I am a very happy person. I saw Dr. Pender yesterday at 4pm. She is the oncologist for the Virginia Mason Breast Clinic. As of now she does not recommend chemotherapy; however, she is having one more genetic test done on the tumor. It is a test on the aggressiveness of the tumor (the largest of the three). If the test results are low or intermediate, she will not recommend chemo. If otherwise, we will discuss the possibility. I feel very fortunate to have such a good outcome.
As for followup, I will be checked every six months and have blood tests run.
Unfortunately the liquid is gathering in my breast and underarm area again so we will stay over until Monday to hopefully have it drained. I am hoping this won't happen too many times. However, it is a small price to pay! Life is good!

August 8th

It's drained - yeah!! Bob and I went at 8AM this morning to see Dr Wechter and to have my incision area asperated. Wow what a difference! The doctor was very pleased with how I am progressing but said I might have to have it drained again. We will see.
The weather here in Seattle is wonderful. I love getting out for a walk. Oz is talking so much now and reminds me a lot of Winda at that age.
Tomorrow I talk to the oncologist to see what she recommends. Whatever we need to do we will do. Life is good

August 6th

We are heading to Seattle today, earlier than we had planned. I have liquid that has gathered just below my incision and it's quite uncomfortable. I have been assured it isn't causing any problem, just pain. The team at Virginia Mason is wonderful. I called and they are working me in tomorrow morning to drain it. It won't take but a short time to aspirate it and then on with healing. Friday I will have my appointment with the oncologist.
I doing very well but am anxious to take care of this problem.

August 4th

Later this week I go to Seattle to see both the surgeon who performed the mastectomy and the oncologist. I know I will take hormone therapy for five years. I am waiting to see if I need chemotherapy. Either way I worry. I believe worry will always try to rear it's ugly head. If I do have to have chemo, it's "Oh no, let's just get thru this" and then build myself back up for reconstruction. If I don't have to do chemo, then it's "Wow that's great but have I done everything I can to prevent cancer from returning?" These are some of the thoughts I am sure most cancer patients have. I know my test results were very good and I am so very grateful for that but there is always fear of the unknown. Most of the time I'm very upbeat and positive - on top of the situation. However, sometimes, for just a few minutes, the situation climbs on top of me!

August 1

I love dancing. I love Friday night dancing. For me dancing, talking, laughing and caring about the other dancers is all part of the package. Bob and I went dancing for the first time since the mastectomy last night and I had a wonderful time. Even though right now I feel terribly different (one breast shy), it really doesn't make any difference. I felt very loved and cherished which is wonderful. It is really good to be loved by your family and friends!!

July 31st

I am home!! Yesterday the last drain tube was removed and we headed home. We arrived early evening. It is so good to be home. We are so fortunate to have a family who takes such good care of us. Reagen and Emily opened their home to all of us and gave us so much love. I am just so grateful!
I look in the mirror and am not happy. I know I will not always look like this, but I wonder if my chest will ever feel the same again. It hurts but, when I touch it, I don't feel the touch. I was told some of the feeling may return. I have such mixed feelings. Inch by inch is the only way I can go. I love my life and will not give up and become a victim. For now I will work on healing and wait to see what the oncologist will say. Life is good!

July 29th

It's interesting how one's viewpoint changes.  I have always enjoyed shopping whether I could buy or not.  I love nice clothes and enjoy checking out the latest styles.  On a trip to the shopping center I felt as though I was in the "twilight zone".  What did I see??.........BREASTS!!!!....windows full of them!  There were blouses with scoop necks and v necks, dresses with plunging necklines, swimsuits smaller than I ever remember and all on mannequins with very generous boobs.  Here I am with just one.  What a difference it makes in how I see things........not necessarily bad.......not necessarily down but definitely different!

I still have one drain tube in and had hoped it would come out today.  The doctor wants to wait till tomorrow to make sure the output stays down.  Anyway, we will see.  I am very anxious as the tube is quite irritating.  We will head home to the TriCities after the removal.

Life is good!    

July 27

So I've been thinkin.  I've been thinkin about friends and what a lonely journey life (let alone sickness) would be without them.  Friends make everything so much more bearable when you get knocked down and must pull yourself up.  I am just so grateful for my life, my family and my wonderful friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  After all good friends are the family you pick for yourself!!

July 22

So..... during this whole cancer rollercoaster ride I have done a mimimum of crying.  Today I have cried more than the whole ride put together.  What is the difference????????? I received a wonderful pathology report!!!!!!!!!!   The report came back that all three lymph nodes removed were free of cancer.  The largest tumor was 1.2 centimeters in size and the other two much smaller.  All came out with clean margins.  What a prize!!!!!!  I am so happy and soooooooo relieved that all I want to do is cry.  These are tears of happiness!  My life has changed drastically since June 4th.  I want to make some sense of it and hopefully be a better person! Life is good!!!!!!

July 21

Today is my baby (Reagen's) 30th birthday. I can't believe it. We will all celebrate her birthday with a family meal tonight here at her house. James and Rain will not be here and I hate that because I love them so very much. I know I am repeating myself but I believe with every fiber of my being that I have an absolutely wonderful family. Experiencing this cancer without them would be so much more difficult.
Well, we call the surgeon today as one of the tubes in my side is below the required amount to to be removed. We will see if she wants me to come in. They will remove only one and leave the other to make sure everything that needs to be drained is drained. If I am very lucky perhaps my pathology report will arrive today. I am anxious to get the results.
I read the last post I put up. I was very tired when I wrote it so it is full of mistakes; however, I did get said what I wanted and we all know how talking is important to me! Ha!! (Just can't help myself!!)
I posted the new picture of all of us who buzzed our hair at Floating Woman along with our inspiration Cat. What a wonderful young woman she is! I love her dearly!

July 18

It is now two days past B-day and everything is going well. I was discharged fron the hospital this morning and came to Emily and Reagen's house to recuperate. I have looked at myself and am okay with what I see for now. I saw some pictures of what to expect ahead of time and accepting them took some time but prepared me for this. I have tubes coming out my side and Bob is helping to monitor them. He is a wonderful parter and stayed with me the entire time I was there. As was said already the lymph nodes looked good but we will get the true picture when the pathology report. I am hoping it will be the same. However, I am strong, I am woman, hear me purr.....Ha!
A very dear friend sent the following:

STRONG WOMEN
Live your life in such a way that
when your feet hit th floor in the
morning, Satan shudders and says
"Oh shit.........she's awake!!!"

So my feet have hit the floor and here I go...............

A Quick Update

Hey there,



My mom asked me to post a quick update regarding her surgery. Everything went just fine and she is with my dad at Virginia Mason recovering. The day was very long. She had to wait all afternoon in the waiting room after her surgery got bumped back due to an emergency surgery the doctor had to perform. She finally went into surgery around 8 p.m. or so and it took about two hours. But the doctor said the surgery was a success. They removed three lymph nodes, which appeared non-cancerous to the eye. However, they'll get more detailed results after the pathologist examines the lymph nodes and gives mom the full results in three or four days.



I'm sure she or my dad will be calling friends and family tomorrow as they feel up to it. But please know that she is doing very good. And although she wasn't feeling the greatest after she woke up, she was in good spirits.



All the best,



Winda

July 15th

Okay so tomorrow is "B" Day (boob day)!! How do I feel??.. I am okay with it and just want it done, find out if it has gone to the lymph glands and, if so, let's get on with whatever is necessrary to get rid of it. I am nervous but not down. There are so many positives in my life and I'm just going to concentrate on them!! Everything will sort itself out.
I check into the hospital at 12:30pm. The afternoon will be a busy one.
The next time I write here, I will be a "one boobed wonder!".........

July 14

We are back from our annual "Floating Woman" camp trip. We camped fromWednesday and returned home this afternoon. I believe, without a doubt, that I have the most wonderful family in the world!! The camping was a great break from the worries of the world and just plain fun. We played and laughed a lot. I actually didn't think about myself or my problems for hours at a time and I loved it!! The weekend was dedicated to our friend Cat who also has breast cancer and is going thru chemo. Many of us shaved our heads to support her. She is such a great person and I have decided I want to be like her when I grow up (if I ever do)!! She has set a good example for me. I hope to live up to it!!
I have done some soul searching though and I have decided I MUST think of this operation as doing all I can to get rid of this cancer rather than losing a breast. I AM working on it and a change of attitude DOES help. It amazes me how such small obvious changes make a world of difference in the way I feel!
Tomorrow we head to Seattle in the afternoon to stay at Winda's house for the night. Then Wednesday is THE day...

July 8th

Okay so after learning what is or will happen and thinking about it, it's better than I expected. Bob and I went to Virginia Mason this morning and first talked to the reconstructive surgeon regarding my options for reconstruction after the mastectomy. My decision is to use my own tissue from my stomach (a tummy tuck as a boobie prize Ha! Ha! get it? boobie prize - Okay so maybe I'm not as funny as I think!) As the doctor pointed out, I will never be exactly the same but this comes close. I saw pictures and feel pretty positive about it. However, I must be in good physical shape. When it will be done depends on whether I have to have chemo and/or radiation after the mastectomy. We won't know that until the lymph nodes are checked during the operation. If I have to have chemo or radiation, I must be recovered from them. So I shall just have to see. I have been thinking about it and am very grateful for this option.
My next appointment was with Dr. Wechter the surgeon who will perform the mastectomy. It will be done on July 16th. Afterwards I will go home to Emily and Reagen's house. She gave me all the details so I know what to expect. What professional and caring people they are to deal with!! Afterwards, I saw the pre-op people so all the details were taken care of.

Starting tomorrow it is play time. Reagen, Annette and I made a Costco trip to buy all the food for our family for Floating Woman. We are going to play and have fun with family and friends until next Monday when we return to get ready for the serious stuff. I am glad for a chance to play, laugh and enjoy the happy things in life.

June 7th

A busy day today. We are now in Seattle waiting to see the surgeons tomorrow. I have so many questions to be answered. It struck me today that I want to know but part of me doesn't really want to know.
So many many women have gone through this before me and many in far worse circumstances. How can this be???? I feel as though I have become schizophrenic. One minute I am definitely on top of this and know all will be fine and the next minute I feel as though I can't face it, I don't want this, why me?, it's too much, I may start screaming and then I breathe deeply (generally push away the tears) and go on. WOW what a rollercoaster!! So tomorrow I ask many questions and then................go on.

July 6th

Well we are having a wonderful time with our family. The girls are great!! The excitement about our camping days is mounting. We head for Seattle tomorrow. Bob and I will stay with Winda, Richie and Oz. Tuesday morning we have our appointments with the two sets of surgeons and have lots of questions to ask.
Life is good and I love my family and friends so much!!

July 5th

Our granddaughters are here and I keep looking at them thinking that I don't want them to have to go thru this when they are grown. My hope is that there will be a cure by the time they are adults. I love them so much and I already love the other grandchildren to come and I don't want this for any of them. Perhaps that sounds crazy but that's how I feel.

July 3

I am grateful for the day I had today. Today was a "scrapbooking" day. My wonderful friends were here and we talked the day away. What good therapy!! I didn't get any scrapbooking done. I am having a very hard time focusing on one thing for long. We talked about what could be, what might be, and getting beyond this "bad boob" thing (humor always helps!). We laughed a lot which always helps. We women definitely need to talk things over, quite often over and over! We may not have solved the world problems but we felt better at the end of the day knowing we are in this life together. (I certainly did anyway!)

I have been reading the reconstruction literature sent by the head of the reconstructive department at Virginia Mason. I hope to use my own tissue. I have lots of questions and look forward to meeting with him next Tuesday, July 8th. I keep telling myself that a new boob and a tummy tuck wouldn't be so bad. I see my surgeon then afterwards and discuss the mastectomy which is to take place on July 16. (Could this still be just a very bad dream?)

Yeah, Annette, James, Phoenix and Rain come tomorrow!! IT'S THE FOURTH OF JULY!

July 2

Life is GOOD!! I had a lovely "girly" day yesterday. Two of my friends took me to a long leisurely lunch (we solved the problems of the world - as we saw them!) and then went to see Ironman. Wow he's hot!!!!!!!! Anyway it was a good day.
I have made a very definite decision. I saw a woman yesterday who was, I believe, on chemotherapy. She had an unusual scarf covering her head and she just looked miserable - maybe not physically but definitely mentally and emotionally. I know there are rough times ahead but I WILL NOT BE A VICTIM. This disease is only getting part of my body, not who I am. I want to be the type of person who looks it right in the face (figuratively), gives it the finger and then goes on livin and lovin life!!!!!!!!!!!! Boy I like the way that sounds.

June 30th

Today has been a hot busy day. The busier the better as far as I am concerned. I received my packet from the reconstructive surgeon today which makes reconstruction even more real. That makes going thru removal (I shudder when I say removal) much more acceptable.
It's very interesting how my mind (and I am assuming I am like most women in this situation) works. Up until last night I had pretty much said to myself, "Let's get rid of this cancer, do what has to be done and then I will be rid of it and go on with my normal life." However reality broke thru and I had to accept that, to a certain degree, I will be "dealing" with this in one way or another for the rest of my life. When I finally acknowledged that, it was a shock and, as usual, I just wanted it to go away (I am sensing a theme here!)!! In reality I know it won't go away so I am trying to acknowledge it several times a day so I can come to some sort of peace with it - sounds good but I am finding it's not easy. I have this running dialogue with myself....LITTLE SUZI says, "No not me. I want it to go away!!!!!" GROWNUP SUZI says, "No it's not going away so get over it, accept it and get on with it" Boy I am really glad people can't hear what I am thinking. I do have a little cry every day and Bob either tears up with me or hugs me tight and pats me on the back............Bless him!!!!!!!!!!!

June 29th

Well Saturday was a good day and evening. We attended a West Coast Workshop sponsored by Beth Trost. She brought Jim Minty in and everyone learned very good technique in West Coast. Bob and I attended the dinner dance and had a wonderful time. We danced and danced until our feet finally had had enough. However, the spirit wanted to "keep on dancin". I am always happy when I am dancing. What great therapy. All of our dance friends have been so wonderful to us.
I cannot believe how many women have shared their personal story of breast cancer with me already and I had no idea. It bolsters me up and makes me know I can handle what is to come - hopefully with as much spunk and grace as they have. I hate this disease. It is so harsh and steals parts of our bodies and then we must put ourselves back together again just like Humpty Dumpty. That just sucks!!!!!!!!!!!
Today was a good day. I actually slept last night- I am sure due to all the physical activity. We went to the gym and worked out this morning. This evening we went for a 2 mile walk with Padme. The wind had started to blow so it seemed wild and lovely.
Bob is helping me with the boat Annette and I will race in the boat race at Floating Woman. What would I do without him. He has been right beside me all the way and I know will be. That knowledge is priceless and so very comforting. It amazes me to know we have been together 48 years (five years dating and 43 years married). How did the time pass so quickly?? It seems as though we have always been together - well all but 14 years we have.

June 28th

I should have put in more of the facts in the earlier posting but I just plain ole got carried away. I am going to have my mastectomy at Virginia Mason in Seattle on June 16th. I am at the point I will just be glad to have it over and move on with whatever lays ahead.
I have lucked out and will get to go to our annual "Floating Woman" camping weekend. It is such a happy time and I was dreading missing it. For those of you who don't know about it, it started with our 40th wedding anniversary and everyone had such a good time Reagen kept it going only in the middle of the summer. If you are interested in the site it is www.floatingwoman.com .
Tonight we dance. I love it!!

June 25th

Okay let's just get this said right up front, having cancer SUCKS!!! (Now I feel better!) I feel totally obsessed by all of this. It"s something I was convinced I would never have to worry about. How wrong can you be!
I am writing this not only to let those interested know what is happening with me but as therapy also. Our son-in-law Richie (the computer genius) suggested this blog to me and I am so grateful. I have such a wonderful family!
This has already been quite a journey and I am just beginning. June 3rd when I was told I have breast cancer in my right breast I was blown away. In the time since then I have been treated wonderfully by everyone. I have had mammograms, biopsies, an MRI, ultrasounds, xrays and blood tests. The only thing the medical professionals haven't done is turn me up-side-down and shake me to see if the breast would fall off. Anyway, the upshot of it all is it has to go. Now I am not happy about it but I know they are right. (I have a good boob gone bad!) Most of the time I feel I can handle it. Then there are those times I want to do what I did when I was a little girl and the doctor was making a housecall because I was so sick. I ran and hid under my bed way back in the corner so no one could touch me (or so I thought) and scream, cry and yell to make it all go away. It sounds good even if it isn't terribly rational!
WOW you know I have never been able to keep a journal because I felt so exposed but this is great. Thank you Richie for taking such good care of me!! More later....